We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
