we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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