"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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