Screwed.edu
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
