Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
