i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
