i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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