Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
