It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
