the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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