dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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