Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
