I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
