tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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