btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
