:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
