Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
