i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
