I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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