What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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