He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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