Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
