something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
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He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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