I have demons in me.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
