Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
