i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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