We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
