you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
