Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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