on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
