They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
