that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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