So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
