and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
