I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
