Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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