Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
