My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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