Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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