i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
