wakey wakey hands off snakey
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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