im drinking this country out of the recession.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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