No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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