new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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