Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
