we made out on top of his cat.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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