The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
