I just pynch a tree in the face
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
