Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
