My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
