just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Randomize
