Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
