The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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