Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
